


Two Problems

by Coffee_Buzzed



Series: Clad In Black (And Various Other Colors) [4]
Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Furry, Gen, Humor, Mild Gore, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 11:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18342869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coffee_Buzzed/pseuds/Coffee_Buzzed
Summary: Zira has two problems and both have to do with the dead man in her kitchen.





	Two Problems

  Zira had two problems right now and both had to do with the dead man in her kitchen. There is nothing worse than having a dead man in your home.

  While most would assume that the bad thing would be the corpse laying sprawled on the tile, the reason for her current annoyance was the fact that the body was in _her_ house. More specifically, _their_ house. Rino was going to flip his shit.

  That was problem number one. Problem number two was the fact that Zira could not remember clearly exactly _why_ a body was laying in her kitchen, let alone who he was.

  She had to have had a reason for killing him. Zira didn't just kill randos on the street. She was better than that. Even if she may have been a teensy bit tipsy and sleep deprived, her moral compass wasn't deteriorating any time soon.

   “Hey, Zira? Have you seen m-”

 Zira turned her tired head back to the kitchen door, where Kyla was standing, staring with her closed eyes that she could somehow still see through. The reddish-pink fur on the back of her neck stood ever so slightly up as she stared at the corpse on the floor. Kyla was still for a few seconds before turning back to Zira, brows furrowed.

  “The hell.”

   Kyla telepathically spoke with an abrupt, more confused than anything tone.

  Zira shrugged her shoulders, sipping coffee from a mug she held in her blue paws. She casually leaned against the counter, itching the bags under her eyes. She was too tired for this shit.

 Kyla shifted her ‘gaze’ between the body and the wolf. After a few seconds with no answers, she finally focused on the assassin.

  “...Why?”

  “Don't know.”

  This furthered the Tudrakin’s confusion.

  “How?”

  “Don't know that either.”

  Zira chugged her coffee, reaching haphazardly for the coffee pot. Finding the handle, she set her mug down and proceeded to drink straight from the pot. A little dribble of the hot liquid ran down the side of her light grey muzzle.

  Kyla once again turned her attention back to the corpse on the tile. She pinched the bridge of her nose with her blue claws and let out a telepathic sigh before lowering her hand.

  “Just get rid of it before Rino sees it. He will freak.”

  Zira nodded her head, green eyes tracking the body and paws still clutching the now almost empty coffee pot.

“My thoughts exactly.”

  With that, Kyla turned on her heel, walking out of the kitchen. As her long, spike-tipped tail disappeared around the door frame (presumably to her room), Zira finished up the pot of coffee. She set it in the sink before crouching down on the floor and inspecting the corpse’s pockets. Unfortunately no identification was scrounged up. She did however find an off-colored knife, 20$, and a stick of gum. Two out of three of those things were somewhat useful. Zira pocketed the 20$, tossed the gum, and placed the knife on the counter.

  Now relatively awake thanks to the coffee, Zira was ready to try and tackle at least problem one. She had to find a way to dispose of the body. Zira was never that good at the ‘Clean Up’ part of the gig. Usually she never cared that much about it, and on the occasion that it need to be done, Ajax typically covered it. Unfortunately, Ajax was currently away on a ‘business trip’, so asking her partner for help was out of the question.

  She could ask Ruger to help her, but while the grey, white, and red dragon was incredibly good at technology, Zira doubted the hacker would know how to or be able to dispose of a body. Kyla had enough common sense to figure out how to do it, but she seemed to have already have had her fill with the scenario, as shown by her leaving Zira alone in the kitchen with a body to clean up (traitor!). Rino was out of the question as that would undermine problem one and even if that wasn't an issue, the raptor wouldn't be able to keep his cool. That left Zira alone to figure this out.

  With a resigned sigh, the wolf went to her room and got herself dressed in her usual gimmick. She slid into her black leather jacket easily and unnecessarily brushed at her shoulders. Pausing at her closet and considering if it was needed, she decided to grab her pistols and knife (just in case!). Opening the panel in the back of the closet she revealed a cubby that was lined with an assortment of guns, knives, and the likes. With a black gloved hand, Zira grabbed her favorite  pistols, Whipper and Snapper she affectionately named them, and her knife (maybe she should name that too!).

 The assassin was relieved to find that the kitchen was empty, and judging by the lack of panic, Rino had not discovered the body yet. Zira took this as a small victory.

   The assassin stared down at the corpse, trying to guess what the best course of action was. The first thought that came to her head was to bury it. Kyla liked to garden in the backyard…

  “Hey Kyla!”

  “What?” Her telepathic voice yelled back.

  “Did you know bodies make good fertilizer?”

   “Absolutely not gonna happen!”

   So that option was ruled out. Next Zira considered burning the body. While this was efficient in getting rid of the evidence, the smoke would cause attention. That and it would smell. Zira _really_ didn't want to have to try and wash off the stench of burning flesh from her jacket.

   The next thing that came to mind was dumping the body in the canal. She could easily way it down no problem, but any form of identification would need to be removed. Unfortunately this counted clothes. Though this was a downside to the idea, Zira could think of no alternative.

   With that, she got to work. She shoved the body in a duffle bag, the head lolling to the side like one those stuffed animals that a kid accidentally separated the stuffing in. There was a great deal of bruising around the neck, and it appeared that Zira had snapped it. A quick and efficient kill.

   Deciding she needed a safe place to prepare the body, Zira picked up the duffle and walked out the backdoor. Whoever the guy in the duffle was, he was extremely light for his size.

  Once in the backyard, she continued down the path that led into the woods. She walked for about 30 minutes before settling on a spot and putting the duffle down on the earth. Unzipping it, she grabbed the corpse by the arms and dragged it out of the bag.

 Reaching into her jacket pocket, Zira retrieved a pair of gloves and a set of matches. She knelt by the body, preparing to light a match before pausing to slip her jacket off. Going back to her task, she lit a match and grabbed one of the hands. She began to burn away the prints on the fingers, holding the flame carefully to each digit. She repeated this process with the other hand as well.

  Next Zira grabbed a pair of pliers and opened the corpse’s mouth. She began to pull the teeth out one by one, each coming out easier than suspected. Setting the teeth I'm a small pile next to her, she closed the mouth and pocketed the pliers. Zira took the teeth in a handful and proceeded to chuck them into various directions. She doubted anyone would be able to find something so small anyway.

   With those two means of identification destroyed, it was time for the part that Zira had been dreading.

   “Well,” The assassin said, looking down at the body, “I hope your not shy because I’m about to get to know you pretty intimately.”

    Needless to say the process of removing the stiff figure’s clothes went with a lot of minimal eye contact with the the body, over exaggerated gagging, and an inward monologue of ‘Why me Why me Why me’.

  After the torture of getting the clothing off and shoving the body back into the duffle was done, the clothes were burned into a pile of ash before the fire was put out and the ashes scattered. Once again carrying the hefty duffle and adorning her jacket, Zira made her trek back home.

  When she emerged from the woods, she found Kyla tending to a cluster of poppies in the garden. The tudrakin looked up at the movement, staring hard at the bag.

  “Don’t tell me you haven’t gotten rid of that thing yet.” she said in an exasperated tone.

  “Yea. Its a real dead weight.” Zira deadpanned back.

  A moment of silence passed while Kyla stared long and hard at the wolf.

  “Did you seriously just make a pun while carrying a dead body that we have NO idea where it came from.”

  “We know where it came from! It came from the kitchen!” the wolf grinned.

  Kyla, used to this behavior, merely shook her head in disappointment and turned back to her poppies. The assassin took this as her cue that the conversation had ended and continued on into the house. Once inside, she snuck her way back into her room, placing the duffle on the ground by her closet.

  Deciding that there was nothing more to be done until it was dark, Zira cracked her knuckles and opened her laptop. She might as well try and figure out some identification.

  
  
  


~~~

  
  
  


  The day passed relatively uneventful. Zira once again had no luck figuring out who the man was or why he turned up dead in the kitchen. It would appear that problem two would never be solved.

  It was now about midnight, and the rest of the house was asleep. The one exception to this was Ruger, who was currently binging pirated versions of musicals on his computer. Chances were he would be up at least until the end of ‘Heathers’, and if not then he would fall asleep face first on the keyboard and Zira would draw a lovely masterpiece.

  The wolf, with duffle bag in hand, crept silently out of the house. She shoved the bag into the trunk of her car along with a heavy dumbell and some chain. Sliding into the driver's seat, she drove until she was a short walk away from the canal and parked in a dark alley.

  Zira had to make two trips, first bringing the weight and the chain to the edge of the canal and the duffle second. With her amassed supplies, the assassin got to work as quickly as possible. She dragged the body out of the bag before wrapping it and the weight  in the chain.

  Hefting the now significantly heavier corpse over her shoulder with a grunt, she tossed it into the dark murky water below. There was a small splash that the wolf prayed no one heard and some bubbles, but all of the evidence of anything happening was gone in seconds.

    Looking up Zira, immediately locked eyes with a cop. There was an awkward silence between the two. The cop had his gun out, but wasn't pointing it at her. It was more aimed at the ground as if he had realized who she was and refrained from shooting. It was at this moment that Zira realized just how grateful she was for the understanding she and Ajax had with the police force.

  “You say nothing I do nothing.” The assassin offered to the officer.

  They both shared a mutual nod of respect before turning on their heels and walking in opposite directions.

  
  


~~~

  
  


  When Zira got home, she planted herself face first into her bed. She was definitely going to have Ajax teach her how to get rid of a body when he got back.


End file.
